Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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