can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize