He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
