Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
