I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
