More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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