I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
