worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
