Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize