you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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