I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
