Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
