I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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