she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
