its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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