Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
