I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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