ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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