I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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