i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
