I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
