i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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