This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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