just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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