good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Someone shit on the floor
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
