I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
