i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
