Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize