forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
