i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
