hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
