I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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