did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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