Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
