If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize