Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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