Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
