Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
