The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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