After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
