his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
