well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
