i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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