Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
