i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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