The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
