Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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