is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
