dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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