He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
