it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
