hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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