she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
