I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
