Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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