The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
